Been Thinking...

     I've been thinking about parenting and kids.  I have wonderful boys.  I am so blessed.  It made me recently think back to when I was a child and how my father had treated me then and now.  I was the good child.  The child who wanted to please her parents...even as an adult. 
     I remember events as a child that hurt me still today.  I had bad asthma as a child and we didn't have central air and heat.  My parents told me they were buying me a window AC unit for my bedroom.  I was so excited that I would finally be able to breathe while in my room and trying to sleep at night.  My parents went out with my sister and I to look for an AC unit.  They found a used one and I remember thanking them all the way home.  Something I shouldn't have bothered doing.
     When we got home my father took the AC back to his room and installed it there.  I don't understand why he made me believe it was for me.  That hurt me so badly.  I remember all my mom could say was that she was sorry and couldn't do anything about it.  But it wasn't just my dad that did things that confound me today.  I question some things my mother did and said too, but she never has hurt me like my father has recently.  My mother was my best friend while she was alive.  But she was a selfish parent too.
     I was in the hospital when I was around 13 years old because of real bad chest congestion and asthma.  I was there for about a week.  The doctors told her not to smoke around me.  Once we were home my mother lit up in the living room.  I reminded her about what the doctor said and she told me that it was her house and for me to go outside. 
     As a parent now, I can't understand doing or saying the things my father and mother did.  It wasn't like that all the time with my mother.  But it was that one instance that I remember that hurts me bad to remember.  It's funny how ONE event can hurt your feelings so bad that it stays with you forever.  Maybe it has even made me a better parent today.  But I wish I could say the events with my father were one time...but he carried his selfishness and spitefulness into my adulthood.
     My husband and I took care of my father for several years after my mother died.  He paid a small portion of utilities and rent, 1/5th his share.  But we did not require him to pay for food.  He was obstinate and said mean things to me and my children.  He made fun of my kids, called them names, made fun of my weight, and when we asked him to move...it only got worse.
     I thought that having him move would be good for all of us.  My husband and I even looked for him an apartment close by to our house so that we could still spend time with him and have him over for dinner and movies.  That is what we had intended when sitting down and speaking to him about moving out.  We even offered to help him look and move.  Offered him no rent or utilities for the next month so that he could save money.  But he was so pissed that he blamed me and my hormones and said that this wouldn't be happening if I wasn't so hormonal.  He said to us that once he moved we would never see him again.
     It was at that point I told him to leave.  He, again, put a dagger in my heart.  And he continued over the past few years by attacking my husband.  My husband has done more for him than anyone has ever.  Some people have said that it was the way my father was raised that has caused him to behave the way he does.  But I don't believe that one bit.  The distance my father put between me and my sister as a child taught me to hold onto and love and hug my boys as much as I can.  It taught me to love them the way I wish I had been loved. 
     Saying that your a product of your childhood is only true in one sense...you choose how you will live and change if your childhood wasn't as good as it should have been.  You decide what kind of parent and person you will be.  And I have chosen to love my children.  I have chosen to put my children first and ahead of my own needs.  And I have chosen not be a racist or a bigot.   I will not lead in the footsteps of earlier generations of my family.  I have learned what not to do and how not to act.  I will use those past and current hurts to become a better person, wife and mother.

Mama - Say It Ain't So

Baby girl, has he hurt you?
Am I Imagining?
Let Mama know.
Mama's gut thinks it may be so.

Baby girl, has he touched you?
These feelings I can't let go.
I love you baby girl.
Please let Mama know.

Mama's instincts warn her,
It may be so.

Husband, I think our baby girl has been hurt.
The glances and smiles--Improper and vile.
Baby girl tells Mama it ain't so.
Mama's gut tells her "Don't let it go!"

Daddy, please, Mama doesn't love me--accusing me so.
Daddy, your baby girl says it ain't so!
Big sister is her favorite.
Tell Mama so!

Pretty little girl, your Mama told me so,
If they did would they allow this to be?
They all hate you--I love you.
They've given you to me.

Wife, how can you say this is so?
The accusations--so improper and vile.
You don't love her.
We don't think so.

Mama, you don't love me.
Daddy agrees.
Your lies say so--improper and vile.
It ain't so!

Baby girl Mama's gonna keep him away.

Mama, say it ain't so!
Out of a moving car--I'll let myself go!
Your hate of me--improper and vile.
Say it ain't so!

Baby girl has been hurt,
The truth came out.

Mama he hurt me,
There ain't no doubt.

Mama I'm scared!--he'll kill us all!
Mama, Daddy...
Don't tell them at all!
He'll know--please say it ain't so!

Wife, he'll kill us.
He's dangerous--I've heard so!

Husband, he's hurt our baby girl--this can't be let go!

Baby girl had IT taken away.
Baby girl, Mama says it will all be ok.

Mama should have followed her gut.

They all called Mama insane.
They said her love for baby was inane--improper and vile,
Clearly insane.

But Mama was right--Her gut told her so.

X
XX
XXX

Baby sister, say it ain't so!
Mama didn't sell you
My gut tells me so!
Our virtue was of concern to her--greatly so.

Big sister, it's true.
Mama prostituted me--I feel it's so.
She sent me to him--he told me so.

Baby sister, I know--it ain't so!
I believed you when you told her no.

She said he might have hurt you.
You lied so.

Your accusations sister--IMPROPER AND VILE!
From him, our Mama then kept us away.
You said she hated you.
We ALL told her to let it go.

Sister, you're broken--It's clearly seen.
You're still his victim.
Sweet Mama is innocent.
The truth will set you free.

Is it true friend, what your sister,
About your Mama said?

Mama's memory has been defiled.
Accusations--IMPROPER AND VILE!
Crushed and smashed,
Wrecked and crashed.

Mama's big girl KNOWS--it ain't so!
Mama, I have let my sister go.

Mama, I'll be your baby.
Your reputation,
Your memory,
Protector I'll be.

I'll crush and smash,
I'll wreck and crash,
Lies of the psychotic--
Broken,
Insane.

Mama, I'm sorry I didn't believe.
Your gut told you so,
And now as a mother--
I understand so.

Mama, to you, we should have listened--
And you should have too.

-M. Collins
3/24/2013

Update Feb 26, 2013

     So much is going on and I've been way too busy to post an update until now.  The kids are all doing well.  Not sure if I posted an update in August but we have housemates; Tiffany and David.  They will be with us until Huck gets back from deployment next year.  They fit in great in our household and David and my boys get along pretty well.
     We've had to make some major changes over the past several weeks.  Huck has been having stomach/intestinal issues for a long time everytime we ate anything with wheat/flour in it and the final straw was when he almost ended up in the hospital.  I did everything I could to help his pain; pepto, mint tea, heating pad to stomach, etc.  Since then we made sure that he didn't eat any gluten and his problems stopped.  Like his mom and sisters, he has celiac disease (self diagnosis because he doesn't want to tell doctor but its genetic).  Huck was not the only one allergic...Elijah had a gluten reaction as well.  I wasn't home to see it but from what I was told he was doubled over and screaming in pain.  He no longer wants to eat bread or pasta that has gluten in it.  We have gone gluten free and it's expensive.  I've discovered gluten free spaghetti, macaroni, muffins, pancakes and more.  It is hard to find items and you have to know where to look for them.  We are slowly replacing milk products with substitutes as well.  We have found almond milk to be great, especially vanilla flavored.
     Over the past couple of months we have been preparing for a one year deployment and my blood pressure has slowly been rising.  It's only been a few days and I'm so stressed out that I don't know if I will have any hair left this time next year.  Today when I came home from school (I have one year left, 2.5 semesters), I decided to lay down because my stomach was hurting and I took a nap.  I woke up with a start from a horrible dream and a sleeping anxiety attack.  I need prayers for my sanity over the next year.  School has been hard for me this semester because of the stress I've been under and the fact that I am also taking 16 credit hours.  I have a heavy courseload unlike any I've had since being at JU.   
     I finally get to see the neurosurgeon tomorrow to see if he can do something about my neck and back pain.  I pray that he can because I can't live like this for the rest of my life.  I need some relief.  If I can remember I will post more updates later.