It has been a little over a month since losing mom...still hard. The first dream I had about her was about two weeks ago, I was standing with her and my father, and I was grabbing her hands, rubbing them, telling her she was beautiful and kissing her face, and telling her "Please don't leave me." Over and over again I kept saying this...she and dad walked ahead in the crowd, I kept losing sight of her, and kept saying "Please don't leave me," but she did. The next dream I remember I was sitting next to her, she looked beautiful, and I was telling her about the dreams I had about her, and she just sat there smiling at me, not saying a word. Then I had a dream about her last night. I was with her, in her room, and she was pretty and didn't look sick at all. I was crying and holding her hand, and I said to her, maybe we would have had you with us for a little longer if you hadn't had the chemo. (she died three days after her first chemo treatment) And she said to me..."no you wouldn't have. The crazy thing, in my head in the dream, I was thinking, why am I saying this, she isn't dead. When I woke up I had a some peace...I guess deep inside I felt guilty that we insisted on chemo and then she died...she was bad off, stage 4, the cancer encased her aorta and was in her liver too. I sat on her bed beside her the night before she passed, rubbing her back, her telling me how good dinner was, and telling me I needed to have a baby girl. Elijah walked in her room, the look on his face was total shock at the way grandma looked, I quickly ushered he and his brother out of the room. The poor boys were awakened the next morning by my screams and cries. Later I felt so guilty, because my oldest, christian, said to my husband...I keep hearing mommy screaming. I have had three dreams about momma, and she never talked to me in my dreams, until the last one. Anyhow, I am rambling on, this is like therapy for me.