Ok, I must be out of my mind or something, or maybe it is hanging out with new friends that have little girls. For the past few weeks, I keep thinking I want another baby...specifically a little girl. But, each time I mention it to my husband, he looks at me like I am crazy and shoots me down about it.
I know that I miss the relationship I had with my mom, and I dont' want to have a baby to try to fill that gap. Maybe that is what I am craving...a filling of that hole that was left in my life when my mother passed on. I am still young, only 30...most gals these days don't start having kids til they are near their 30's. But, hubby says we are done. I feel hurt that he treats it like it is a joke, that it doesn't need to be talked about.
I have spent the past 5 years, pretty much emotionally alone, while he studies and betters himself careerwise...I know, it is for the family. But I feel like my needs and wants should be addressed too. I hurt inside, and maybe if he would treat this like something that is important to me, then I would feel better...but, he brushes me off.
He is about to get winged after long and hard flight training....and I am so proud of him...I know I dont' think I could have done it myself. But I have worked hard too, taking care of the kids, of mom, of dad, trying to take care of myself.
Lately, I find myself spending way to much money on scrapbooking supplies, to try to make myself feel good...it isnt' working.
Maybe all I need is time from my husband, maybe a little love (not sex, just attention), a little time, I need to feel important to him. I know he loves me, but I need to feel like he needs me in his life, like I am important.
Anyhow, I guess I just had to get these things off my chest.