I know I haven't posted in awhile. Been alittle busy, we are settled in now. I have been suffering from lack of sleep and depression. At night, I lay in bed and toss and turn. Thoughts of mom in my head, thoughts of her illness and death. I pray, and sing praise songs in my head, but the thoughts wander back into my mind. I finally fall asleep when my body is too exhausted to stay awake. Then, I sleep late, but not quality sleep, because I can't sleep well during daylight hours, and the kids and animals keep me awake. I took ambien three nights in a row, and had the best sleep ever, i wasn't depressed for those days. I really believe that me not being able to sleep has had a profound affect on my depression, and lack of being able to get anything done. I am gaining weight too. I need to get back control of myself...so, for my friends reading this, please continue to pray for me. Don't think my life is absolutely miserable, because it is not. It is just that I am having a hard time dealing with the loss of my mother, my sister seems to be moving on ok...but I linger in my grief and mourning the loss of my beloved mother and friend. Life most go on, I will pray daily, and proceed as best I can with my daily routines, I have children who need me, I guess I need to remind myself of that also...kinda hard when you feel so sleep deprived.

I went to a womens retreat this past weekend, it was nice, I finally was able to praise God for the first time since losing mom. I believe I had built up a wall, and was afraid to break it down. At the retreat, after taking communion, we sang How Great Thou Art, and I cried alot while I was praising God...it felt great to open up to the Father again. But, I have a long way to go. I am reading a book called Motherless Daughters (letters), it is good so far. From what I have read from the letters from other women who have lost their mothers is that you never 'get over' it. Your grieve just changes, doesnt' hurt as bad as it did in the early days. Your life markers became "pre moms death" and "post moms death." I figured that out early on. When I think of things that have happened in life, I say "before mom died" when referring to things that happened before her passing. Or I will say, "when mom was still with us" or "before mom left us." I guess I will learn how to live without my mother, but I hang on to that blessed hope that I will see her in heaven one day. 

Coffee Cups.....(sent to me by a friend)
A group of alumni, highly established in their careers, got together to
visit their old university lecturer. Conversation soon turned into
complaints about stress in work and life. Offering his guests coffee, the
lecturer went to the kitchen and returned with a large pot of coffee and
an assortment of cups: porcelain, plastic, glass, some plain-looking and
some expensive and exquisite, telling them to help themselves to hot
coffee.

When all the students had a cup of coffee in hand, the lecturer said: "If
you noticed, all the nice-looking, expensive cups were taken up, leaving
behind the plain and cheap ones. While it is normal for you to want only
the best for yourselves, that is the source of your problems and stress.
What all of you really wanted was coffee, not the cup, but you
consciously went for the better cups and are eyeing each other's cups."

"Now, if Life is coffee, then the jobs, money and position in society are
the cups. They are just tools to hold and contain Life, but the quality of
Life doesn't change." "Sometimes, by concentrating only on the cup, we
fail to enjoy the coffee in it."

So please, don't let the cups drive you...enjoy the coffee instead. Being
happy does not mean everything is perfect. It means you have decided to
see beyond the imperfections.

Amen!