Dead Mom Club

OK, I finally watched last nights episode of Grey's Anatomy...I was a blubbering fool through almost the whole episode. The whole cancer issue with Georges' dad really brought up some grief that I have been trying to cover up or at least thought I was through with for the most part. It was just too real for me, I was feeling what he felt (the character). The pit in the bottom of my stomach, the lump in my throat. You are walking around feeling like you are moving in slow motion, and the rest of the world is just speeding right past you. In the midst of your loss and your grief...life is continuing all around you. For me...time was standing still, the pain was agonizing. I still remember the feeling I felt sitting in the doctors office with my mother when the doctor told us she had cancer...seeing her cry, trying to hold back my own tears...not knowing we had less than two months left with her.

When George found out the doctors removed the cancer at his fathers request, he was so angry. He was now losing his father sooner. He could have had a few more weeks or months. I sometimes feel that way about my mother, wishing she hadn't had the chemo. Thinking that if we wouldn't have had her get it, she would have survived a little longer, had a little more time with her. But I have to remind myself that she would have suffered greater and probably longer.

You know the writers know the what they are writing about, they have been there, they must have been. Like Yang said on this episode...you are now a member of a club, one you didn't ask to be a member of. George is a member of the Dead dad club...I am a member of the Dead Mom club. And like him, I just dont' know how to live in a world where my mother does not exisit anymore. Even a little over a year later...sometimes, I forget how real it is. She is gone, and I have a membership to a club I never wanted.