The New Adventures of the Old Michelle

Events of recent have made me really look back to reflect over who I have become over the past couple of years.

As I look back, I don't see the same person I was at all...

In the past, I didn't let people in my life...I didn't trust people, the ones I did let in my life, I kept close, and that was just my family and one very best friend, and a great email group of Christian Ladies (love ya JUMS).
I didn't try to make so many people happy, I kept to myself...I was a bit of a recluse.

But, after the death of my mother three years ago, I went into a deep pit of depression, I laid in bed for a couple months, or at least it felt like it. Then one day, I got up, said to myself..."This is not what mom would have wanted for me...I must get out, make friends, be more like mom was..."

Well, three years later, I am not so sure that was the best decision for me. I have tried to be a 'friend' to everyone, go out of my way for everyone, to do as much as I could for my friends...I wanted to be the best friend I could possibly be...with no benefit to me other than their friendship in return.

But, over this past year, I have been hurt a couple times, by a few different 'friends.'

I have heard what a 'sh*tty' parent I am.

I have been told that I step on a lot peoples toes, that people have to 'walk on eggshells' around me and that I say a lot of stuff that offends people...when asked what...this person wouldn't tell me what I have said. Now if I am offending people, how can I learn from my 'mistakes' if I don't know what I said or did in the first place?

Since moving to Florida, I have had my fair share of "DRAMA." I am so ready to pull away from everyone, get my mind clear, have a pity party for awhile (where do I find decorations for that? party city?) ;-), heal my wounds and maybe slowly work my way back into the mix of things again. Because right now, I lay in bed worrying about this and that, not being able to sleep, tossing and turning, and sometimes just wanting to cry.

See!!! This is not the old MICHELLE, maybe when I dropped the "mi" off my name and had people call me Chelle, I lost some of my thick skin. It is silly, but for some reason that example popped into my head right now, lol. Maybe I have given up part of myself somewhere along the way.

In the past I didn't care if something I said offended some people...I said what I felt, but without being hateful about it. I said what I thought....sometimes putting my foot in my mouth (as I still do)...but that is what my husband said he liked about me. What ya saw was what ya got...no fake-ness...no 2 faced-ness...I was who I said I was...I wasn't a friend to everyone, and I wasn't a people pleaser. At least I don't think I was, at least not to the extent I seem to be now.

Well, at least that is how I feel at the moment...I just had to get all this out...to vent...maybe it will help me heal emotionally.

A dear friend of mine told me that she thinks the problem is that I have let too many people in, made myself too transparent, thus enabling them to hurt me with their actions and words more than if I wasn't as open with people. I have often been an 'open book.' I don't like 'fake' or judgmental people, and I try to steer far away from being one...maybe so far that I end up driving in the wrong direction of life and ending up meeting others 'head on.'

I haven't been in church a lot the past few years, I have had my issues...my walk with God isn't what it should be. I want to put myself back on the straight and narrow, I can remember how much happier I was when 'Christ' was my first priority. I don't know how I have gotten where I am now...all I know is that it is no ones fault but my own...and I don't like who I have let myself become.

So, here is to a better year, with less people pleasing and more speaking up for myself...


yeah right.

lol

My new blog title: The New Adventures of the Old Michelle (snicker, snicker)