Mom's Last Year

     Mom and Dad went on the road trucking right before my husband and I got married.  They had been driving together for nearly 11years when Mom got too ill to stay on the road with Dad.  I got a call from Mom in an emergency room in some state they were passing through to make a delivery, Mom’s heart had begun beating so fast that they had to stop and restart it, if my mind is remembering events correctly.  I was very angry at my father, because it had been several months since I had seen my mother.  I told my mom that if she died on the road,and I didn’t get to see her, I would never forgive my father.

     Doctors in each state they passed through could not give mom a definitive answer on what was wrong with her, but in the back of her mind I think she knew.  She had been living in fear of it for years.  “I have cancer and the doctors aren't telling me so that I won’t be upset”, or "Did you tell the doctors not to tell me that I have cancer?" are the things she would often say; to the point where it drove everyone crazy.  It was as if she believed we all had a big secret we were keeping from her, that she was ill and going to die of cancer.  It wasn't until she stopped accusing us of hiding an imagined illness from her that she began to get sick.  I thought that she may have claimed that she had it so much, and truly believed we were lying to her that she ended up having what she so feared.  It was almost like she got it because of her intense fear and belief that she had it.

     Mom and Dad moved in with us in Milton, Florida around the new year of 2005. Dad quit his job with the over-the-road company, and got a local job driving a concrete truck.  Mom had health issues, still yet unknown, and appointments to go to; he had to be around.  They had their own room, because we had our new house built with an extra room with the thought of having them move in with us in mind. 

     It was just months before Mom died that her own grandson gave her an eerie warning from down the hall.

“Grandma, you need to stop smoking”, Christian said while playing his video games in his bedroom. Mom was in the bathroom fixing her hair, because she always had to look beautiful, and she told him that she knew she needed to quit.  Mom finished her hair and walked out of the bathroom and into the hall.  She collapsed onto the floor in severe pain and was unable to move from the pain in her ribcage area.  She thought it might have been a gallbladder attack, but was in fear that it was more.  She immediately quit smoking after that incident.  We found out later that it was possible that her diaphragm had been paralyzed by the cancer. And it was at that moment when she collapsed in the hallway from pain that would have been when the cancer damaged a nerve that caused her diaphragm to no longer function properly. The cancer had damaged the nerve that caused the diaphragm to move up and down causing it to no longer be able to move, it was stuck in the up position beneath her lungs.

     Mom had two biopsies, one in which they accidentally biopsied her diaphragm and the other they successfully removed lung tissue for the biopsy.  Mom called the doctor’s office to get the biopsy results and they told her she had to make an appointment to come and get the results.  That can’t be good we thought.  Huck and Dad both had to work that morning, and Christian was in school, so Elijah went with Mom and I to the doctor’s office for whatever news they had for my mom.

     I could see it in the face of the doctor when he came in the room, I knew it wasn’t good news.  He explained to us that Mom had Non-small Cell Adenocarcinoma, she had lung cancer and it had metastasized in her lymph nodes and to her shoulder region and her liver.  A later PET Scan would reveal that she had a mass wrapped around her aorta.  It was very serious.  But we all had hope, and we all prayed.  At night I would talk to my husband about it,and then when I thought he was asleep I would cry myself to sleep.

     About two months before mom’s diagnosis, we all took a trip to Disney World.  The doctors who couldn’t yet diagnose her told her not to go and to take it easy. At the very last minute Mom and Dad made the decision that they would accompany us to Disney World.  It was my children's first trip to the Magic Kingdom, and at the time we didn’t know that it would be Mom’s last.  We took a lot of pictures with Mom and the kids, in my heart I knew something was wrong, and I wanted to make sure we had pictures of our memories made together.  Even though Mom was in pain, she enjoyed riding the rides with the kids, their first time on The Haunted Mansion ride,and Pirates of the Caribbean, and her last. Mom happily and very ‘grandmotherly’ would push Elijah around the park in a stroller because at four years old kids get worn out at a park pretty fast in the Florida summer heat.  We stayed all day long, and ended the night watching the fireworks around the castle.  It was a tiring but memorable day.  It was a first and a last that will be remembered and cherished for years to come by me and my children.

     While in the doctor’s office Mom called my dad, and my mother tearily told him the news over the phone.  I called my sister while Mom was talking to Dad, I told my sister the news; it was in Mom’s lymph nodes…all the bad news.  My sister realized rightaway that Mom was going to die; I had not yet accepted that stark realization,I was still hoping for a positive outcome. My mom cannot die. 

     It was late August of 2005 when we received the grim diagnosis or D-day as I called it then.  Mom had many doctor appointments,got on a health food kick, anything to try for a ‘natural’ cure.  About two weeks, give or take a few days,after the diagnosis, Mom had a heart attack. She was taken by helicopter from the one hospital we had taken her to,to another one more equipped to handle her heart condition.   I was on the phone telling my sister the seriousness of it, which she didn’t believe until I told her they were taking her by Life Flight.  She and her husband packed up almost immediately to head to Milton, Florida to spend time with my mother.

     The last couple of weeks of her life she got weaker and weaker, she was diminishing fast, and we were too blind and in denial to see how fast we were losing her.  She didn’t want to get chemotherapy at all,but I wanted her to fight harder.  It was all happening way to fast.  It was only a few weeks prior that we found out she had stage 4 lung cancer.  (to be continued...)

    

Grandma Fish Basket

     I was around two or three years old when I had my first memory of my Grandmother.  She had a dusty smell of moth balls and dust mixed with the sweet smell of VO5 hair cream.  I have memories of her rocking me while I’m seated under her arm on the couch.  When I learned to talk I called her Granny or Grandma.  She has fine white hair and creamy white skin; if only she were darker she would look like an old Indian woman.

     Sitting under her giggly and soft white arm, I would play with the fat under her arm.  Granny often redirected my attention from the cold, soft and squishy flesh to the intricate pictures of trees, bicycles, birds and old fashioned dressed people interacting in scenes on her dress.  “Find the little birds”, she would tell me.  And later would use the same tactic when my sister and I would argue in the backseat of her old station wagon.

     Her dress was antique looking, even for the 1980’s; scrawled with various types of trees on a pale light green background.  There were red birds and blue birds and when I was old enough my Grandmother would keep me busy by having me count as many of the two different colored birds as I could.

     I have a lot of fond memories of my Grandmother, with her white hair, old dress, pink hair curlers, fake pearls and the dusty old moth ball smell of her apartment mixed with the smell of the VO5 in her hair.  I’ll never forget her or the fond memories with her dress and the birds.

     Grandma often gave us bags of pennies before we would leave her house from an overnight stay when we got a little bit older.  Our parents would have date nights and we had quiet evenings with our Grandmother watching Hee Haw and The Price Is Right. 

     Grandma lived in a detached old garage that had been converted to a small apartment so she could rent out her home for extra money.  Grandfather died before I was born, so she needed help paying the bills.  Her bathroom and kitchen was never fully finished so when we visited we had showers in an unfinished shower and used the bathroom by sitting on a five gallon plastic bucket in the bathroom.  She never did buy a working toilet.  The shower however had only cold water and only Grandma would get in it most of the time.  We were young enough to bathe outside in the summer.  During those long and hot summer days when we were elementary school age, we spent hours playing the Dukes of Hazard with our cousins, Jeffery and Andrea.  Near the end of the day, just before dark, to wash off all the dirt and sweat my Grandmother would bathe me and my sister outside with our cousin Andrea while Jeffery played nearby, often sneaking a peek at us girls bathing in the aluminum tub outside in the yard.  Grandmother would fill the tub with water warmed on her gas stove. 
 

     When our baths were done, Grandma would make us something special; she made good, country home cooking.  She made chicken and dumplings that we loved and they were one of our favorite meals.  And sometimes we would have Grandma's favorite, white rice and butter drowned in a pool of tomato juice.  She also made each of us kids a mason jar of powdered milk which she got monthly for free from the government and made chocolate milk with dried powdered cocoa or chocolate and sugar.  It wasn’t real chocolate milk but it was all she could do and we loved it.

     I remember many trips to the laundry mat with my Grandmother and little sister.  Grandma would take my sister, Christina, and I into the laundry mat to put the clothes into the washers.  All assorted by color and sorted by delicates.  After all the laundry was loaded into the washers she would take us to McDonalds for lunch.  We would eat a fish sandwich with pickles and tomato added, and usually shared a drink and fries between my sister and I.  Grandma Ruth, her full name was Ruth Corrine Creel Brazzell; Creel was her maiden name.  Grandmother was part Indian, or at least that is what our family says, and the name Creel means fish basket.  Once we learned this, we often called her ‘Grandma Fish Basket’.

     Grandma’s lunch was often a fish sandwich as well (isnt' it ironic, fish basket?), with the tomato and pickles, but she would always scrape off the tartar sauce due to her milk allergy.  Later, when I was an adult and eating a fish sandwich, I remembered my beloved Grandma Ruth, and her scraped off tartar sauce.  I wondered by she just didn’t ask the McDonald’s employee to emit the sauce from her sandwich.  She clearly had to alter her order by adding pickles and tomatoes; maybe she didn’t want to push too far by asking for something else.

     As we ate our lunch in the car with Grandma, we parked under a large old tree in the back of the parking lot.  This tree was big enough to cover our car fully in the shade.  After eating our sandwiches, and shared fries and drink with my sister, Grandma would take us back into the laundry mat to put the clothes into the dryer.  As little girls we proudly helped our Grandmother sort, fold and hang all the clothing.  And on the way home, more often than not, my sister and I would start fighting with each other in the car.  Grandma would say, “Look at the blue bird!” and we would search eagerly for the little blue bird that Grandma had seen. 

     I miss my dear, sweet Grandma Fish Basket.

When and How I Met My Dear Husband

     I was at the enlisted club at Naval Station Jacksonville for country western night.  I was with my mother and my girlfriends.  Yes, I was at a bar with my mother, she was my best friend, and we went everywhere.  It may have not been appropriate, but those are some of the greatest memories I have of my dearly departed mother.  I was 18 years old, just a week from my 19^th birthday, and I was full of life and energy.  I was at a point in my life where I had no interest in dating, I wanted to finish up my senior year at Middleburg High School, but I had no idea what I was doing after that.  Mom and I spent 6 nights a week in Country and Western bars.  I was a dancer on the high school’s dance and flag team, and I loved to dance every second that I had the chance too.

     It was April 19, 1994, as mentioned, I was a senior in high school, and this particular night we were at the E-Club.  I was with Mom, Misty, Anna, and a few other girlfriends I cannot recall at this time, when a gorgeous man walked in.  My mother was sitting with my friend Misty while I was on the dance floor.  Mom was the first one to notice this man, 6’3 tall, fit, and wearing boots and a cowboy hat.  Misty also noticed this handsome man, and said he was very hot.  Mom proceeded to ask Misty if she was interested because if not, then my mother was going to quickly get me a dance with this man.  Wow, was mom the wing-woman.  Misty said no, then mom proceeded to try to get his attention from across the room.

     Mom was a little bit on the heavy side, well, maybe more than a little.  But to me, she was still beautiful.  At her first beckons for this gorgeous man to come over to her table, where she was sitting alone while I was dancing, she was ignored.  Later we would find out he was purposely ignoring her because he thought this much older woman was flirting with him, and he had just turned twenty a couple weeks prior.  Older women were not his cup of tea.  Mom then got up, after fruitless attempts to get his attention at the table he was at with several other young enlisted Navy men, and walked to his table where she flat out asked him, “Will you dance with my daughter?” 

     She then had his attention, he asked her who I was and what I looked like and she pointed to me on the dance floor.  He then said he was interested.  When I got off the dance floor from line dancing, mom told me about this handsome cowboy and pointed him out to me.  I told my mother that he was way too good-looking for me, and that he probably wouldn’t be interested in me.  The DJ at the club put on a group couples dance that was danced to by the song “Wild, Wild, West” and I ran to the dance floor, noticing that he too was on the dance floor.  As we all partnered up for this dance, in which we all got to dance with each person on the dance floor, I was very nervous.
   
  The dance started and everyone went through the routine and it was getting close to me dancing with this tall cowboy.  I was so nervous.  Once I was in front of him, and he had his hand on my waist and my hand in his other hand, I immediately felt the chemistry.  We went through our turn dancing with each other with a brief introduction, all the while I am craning my neck to look up into his gorgeous and hypnotizing blue eyes.  I was flushed.  We finished the dance and went back to our separate tables.
  
   I wanted to dance with this man again.  He asked me to slow dance with him, and I said yes.  He took my hand and led me out to the dance floor.  The lights were dimmed low for the lovers on the dance floor, and when we started dancing, I melted into his arms.  He made me feel like I’ve never felt before.  I felt safe, I felt passion, I didn’t want to leave his arms.  When our dance ended, he left his friends table and came to mine and we have been together since.
   
  It was nearing 2am, and we always closed out the bar, even on school nights, and mom and I asked him to go have breakfast with us at Famous Amos in Orange Park.  He rode with his friends and they followed us to the restaurant.  When we got there and were seated, he ordered a ground beef omelet while I had the grits with grilled tomatoes on top.  We all shared an appetizer of fried mushrooms as well.  He didn’t talk much to my mom or my friends, he was very quiet.  I watched him observe everyone at the table, he was enjoying the company.
    
 When it was time to leave, he walked me over to moms car and asked if he could kiss me.  I immediately freaked out.  Not because I didn’t want to kiss this tall, sexy, blue-eyed cowboy, but because I had just eaten fried mushrooms!  Still, many years later, he remembers me turning him down for our first kiss.  We exchanged our numbers and planned to meet up the next night at another club.  When he walked back to the car he arrived in with his friends, they were laughing at him.  There was no way his friends were going to not mention that I wouldn’t kiss him.

     We dated for 5 months, now you may think that is not long, but we have been together ever since we met.  We met April 19, 1994 and got married September 26, 1994, one month after I graduated high school.  Why the rush?  It was because we were in love, we are soul mates, and the Navy had separated us and moved him to Virginia while I was stuck in Florida.  After a month of being away from each other, he called me and told me that I was moving to Virginia with him.  I told him there was no way I was going to live with him without being married, because I wasn’t raised that way, and he proceeded to tell me he had made arrangements at the courthouse and made an appointment with the Justice of the Peace for us to get married that Monday.  So, we married on September 26, 1994.

     Many don’t stay married having married so young and being in the military.  But we were in it for keeps.  On December 11, 1995 we were blessed with our first son, Christian Ray, and then on October 22, 2000 be were blessed again with our second son, Elijah Stephen.  We had a couple of rough spots in our twenties, but we love each other and made it through them.  When the going got tough, we got closer.  And come this September, we will have been married for 18 years.

Five Minutes...

I can find no reason or ryhme,
For it was just a fraction of time,
Five minutes out of fourteen forty,
It was as if I asked for something more.

My tears have fallen like heavy rain,
With twenty-four hours each day of pain.
Hours of more work to do,
Did you think me not true?

A knife through my heart,
My thoughts are now wrought.
Pain and sleepless nights,
A mere five minutes I sought.

It was five minutes,
what more can I say.
My mind races and my heart starts,
You display no care for my body's fray.

So much I still have unfinished to do,
Five minutes would have but for a little while...
Mended my flesh and eased my mind.
Your chide broke me and left me blind.

Love is amiss, or you in me no faith resides,
In me or my word, for either it must be.
Have I offended or wounded as now you have me?
But the preceeding, that I pray not be.

You are my strength, my rock and my tree...
Covering me from life's brutal storms.
It is but a trinket of time,
Something surely fleeting and free...
It crushed me to have you deny me.

Five minutes...
If asked I would give you all of mine.
Five minutes...
It was just a fraction of your time.