Monday, November 22, 2004

Depression and more

Well, I was doing pretty good taking cortitrace (like cortislim), it is for weight loss, but helps with depression also, but the past couple days have been not as great. I think mainly because of a talk I had with my mom. I had briefly talked to her about zoloft, which I took myself off of because my mom and sister make me feel so bad about taking it. She, my mom, had heard me talking about something I was thinking about about a month ago, which was getting back on zoloft. Well, she mentioned nothing of it then, but the next night, she called me really late to tell me she had to ask me about something that had been bothering her. I had mentioned in front of her, that a while back I was considering getting back on zoloft, and my husband had told me that it wouldn't look good if I went to the military doctors, so I didn't do it. Now he tells me he didn't say that, but I know he did, something about not wanting an "exceptional family member" on his military record, didn't look good with him being an officer. Maybe I took it the wrong way. Anyhow, mom called me the next night acting all strange and wanting to know why I wanted to get back on zoloft, and that I don't need it, Blah, blah, blah. Well, it made me feel like total crap, and since then, I feel like I have been thrown into another depression slump. That was a few days ago, and I still don't feel the same as I did before her confrontation about it. I guess I feel ashamed that I feel like I need it, like I am crazy. I didn't ask for depression...I don't even have anything to be depressed about. I have a wonderful husband, who is smart, loving, and provides for me and our beautiful kids. The only thing I would change....I would love more time with him...I suppose that will come one day.
I am sitting here typing all this with a lump in my throat, almost tears in my eyes. I guess it is good to get my feelings out like this...to put them to paper...or webpage so to speak. God only knows who will read my rantings.
I feel great when my parents are here, I guess it is the need for family. Most of the time, it is me and the kids, hubby has face in books, or he is training/flying. Anyhow...I am off my pity potty....for now.

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