The Day Momma Passed On...

The events of the Day Mom Passed
WARNING GRAPHIC DESCRIPTION OF MOMS PASSING...YOU MAY WANT TO NOT READ.
We didn�t' expect this at all. She passed three days after starting chemo. She had a really bad night, dad was up rubbing her back all night, she was in pain, and was using a nebulizor to help with her breathing. We were told that the third day of chemo is the worst...but I guess mom couldn�t handle the toxicity. Just twenty four hours, maybe more, before she passed, I asked mom, "So, is chemo as bad as you thought it would be?" She told me no. Well, at about 10:30 am mom woke dad up, because he had fallen asleep from taking care of her. She was talking to him, he asked her if he could get something for her, she was talking with slurred speech. Moms breathing seemed labored, he noticed that her eyes lost focus, and her lips were blue. Dad ran to my bedroom door (I slept late, was up all night with huck...cause he was on the phone with his sister who thought she was dying from a blood clot) and dad beat on the door and said, we need to get mom to the hospital, she is having trouble breathing. What he and I didn't know at that point till we realized later, was that when mom's eyes lost focus...she had left us. Well, I flew out of bed, ran into mom�s room...I didn�t' say it, but I knew she was dead...her eyes were opened, her mouth was opened...it was horrible. I screamed for huck, I was freaking out bad... (Huck by the grace of God, was home and didn't have to fly...this is rare) Dad was trying to revive mom and so panicky, as soon as huck got in there, which was pretty much immediate...he checked for vitals, there was none, he and dad lifted her to the floor and huck started CPR. I was wailing and begging God, I am sure I was heard outside our house too. I called 911, they sent someone out...I felt like I had been punched in the chest...I thought my world had collapsed...it still feels a lot that way.

Not sure how long paramedics took to get there, but it was too late...although Huck did not stop trying. After the paramedics got there, they still had huck doing chest compressions, and he was so tired that they worked with a two man team ....one doing chest comppressions and the other doing the breating. They stopped at almost an hour later...My poor husband didn�t' give up till the paramedics told him...that there was no saving her...there was no heart activity...nothing for them to use paddles on...she was gone before Huck started cpr. I feel so guilty, my husband was so tired and in tears saying to me..."I am so sorry I couldn�t save her for you. We held each other and cried...I assured him that there was nothing he could have done...that it was God's decision. I still hurt so badly, when I think of how hard my husband tried to save my mom...and the trauma he went through seeing her that way...she was gone, and it was useless. I told my friend Marie, that I wish I hadn�t' made him feel like he had to save her, like he had to bring her back, but she told me, that had he not done what he did...there would have been worse regrets...always the thought..."Could I have done more?" We are all dealing with what ifs right now, and some regrets are creeping in. I knew in the back of my mind we would eventually lose her...we never knew this fast.
My Moms doctor called moments after Huck and the paramedics stopped trying to bring back mom, and Dad had to tell the doctor, "We lost Angie" Dr. Tan said to my Dad..."What....What?....What?.....how can this be?" Dr. Tan thought my mom would be around for a lot longer...He told her that she wasn't terminal. I fear now that the herbals she was on were hiding exactly how much cancer she had in her body, and maybe that her whole body was eaten up, I know I was afraid it was in her brain because of how scatter brained she was. She was such a beautiful woman...After the paramedics left the room, I went in there, they had covered her face...I was so grieved that I almost laid directly on top of her like Paul did when he as praying for God to bring back someone that was dead. I held her hand, rubbed her face, kissed her, told her what a good mother she was, over and over again, hoping she could hear me...I told her we would take care of dad....over and over again...till the paramedics made me leave the room...and then they shut the door. While they were in there, they took all her medications...which sucked because I really needed her anti anxiety medication. I know I am rambling, and perhaps I have said too much...But it is all so fresh in my mind. Dad keeps falling apart on us...they were married 31 years...and mom passed at only 50 years young. I need to stay strong for my dad.

 

Well, mom had her appointment with the Oncologist. He told her that the Cancerous Mass in her lung has grown by another 1.5cm's. He spoke to her, letting her know, that all that she is feeling right now is symptoms from the cancer, and he can't just keep treating the 'symptoms,' because he needs to treat the cause, thereby eliminating most of the need to treat the symptoms. He was very sweet and supportive, he is a great doctor. He told her that if she isnt' going to finish the treatment, then not to start it. He told her all the possible side effects, and assured her that they will give her meds to help with those also. We addressed the fact that mom wasn't eating and she was nauseated and losing weight. So, Dr Tan gave her a prescription for nausea medicine, and something to increase her appetite. And, praise be to God, they actually work. She is eating great, maybe she can gain a little weight back...she has lost over 40 pounds in the past few months from being nauseated and unable to eat. Mom is so fearful of nausea and vomiting that I believe that is what has kept her from taking chemo up to this point. I told her, :"Mom, you are already nauseated...so what if chemo makes you nauseated too." Plus the doctor has told her that they will give her med for that too. So, starting on tuesday, mom is going to take chemo treatments. Once a week for three weeks, then a week off. After her week off, she will get another CT scan, then we will see if it has given any results. I will keep everyone updated as much as possible.
 

Are you STRESSED?

I am not sure exactly how it works, but this is amazingly accurate. Read the full description before looking at the picture.

The picture below has 2 identical dolphins in it. It was used in a case study on stress levels at St. Mary's Hospital.

Look at both dolphins jumping out of the water. The dolphins are identical. A closely monitored, scientific study revealed that, in spite of the fact that the dolphins are identical, a person under stress would find differences in the two dolphins. The more differences a person finds between the dolphins, the more stress that person is experiencing.

Look at the photograph and if you find more than one or two differences you may want to take a vacation.



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No Need to Reply, I'll be on Vacation.  

I am having such a hard time right now. I am watching mom get worse and worse...I wake up during the night to give her pain medications. I have to sleep on the couch now so that my alarm every four hours during the evening doesn't wake up huck (this was my idea). I am so stressed...she argues with me about taking her pain meds...then I agreed with her one night and told her we would wait an extra hour to take it, then when I gave it to her, she was in pain and asked why I made her wait so long. I am at my wits end. Please continue to pray for mom and for my sanity in this whole situation.