The Proud family of Ltjg Collins 

OK, I am so proud of myself...my dear husband is getting winged tomorrow..officially a pilot for the navy. I made this banner for him handmade, wings and all.  

Huck just got his orders today, we are going to Maport Florida! Yippee!! We wanted Virginia, but close to my sister is just as good. I was fearful we would be sent to the west coast...way to far from friends and family.
The helicopter dh got is the 6o Bravo, and he finished 2nd in his squadron...only a beat first by a couple points. We will likely move to Middlburg or Orange park florida.
Please pray for a smooth transition/move. I am glad we will be moving close to where we buried my momma.  

Ok, I must be out of my mind or something, or maybe it is hanging out with new friends that have little girls. For the past few weeks, I keep thinking I want another baby...specifically a little girl. But, each time I mention it to my husband, he looks at me like I am crazy and shoots me down about it.
I know that I miss the relationship I had with my mom, and I dont' want to have a baby to try to fill that gap. Maybe that is what I am craving...a filling of that hole that was left in my life when my mother passed on. I am still young, only 30...most gals these days don't start having kids til they are near their 30's. But, hubby says we are done. I feel hurt that he treats it like it is a joke, that it doesn't need to be talked about.
I have spent the past 5 years, pretty much emotionally alone, while he studies and betters himself careerwise...I know, it is for the family. But I feel like my needs and wants should be addressed too. I hurt inside, and maybe if he would treat this like something that is important to me, then I would feel better...but, he brushes me off.
He is about to get winged after long and hard flight training....and I am so proud of him...I know I dont' think I could have done it myself. But I have worked hard too, taking care of the kids, of mom, of dad, trying to take care of myself.
Lately, I find myself spending way to much money on scrapbooking supplies, to try to make myself feel good...it isnt' working.
Maybe all I need is time from my husband, maybe a little love (not sex, just attention), a little time, I need to feel important to him. I know he loves me, but I need to feel like he needs me in his life, like I am important.
Anyhow, I guess I just had to get these things off my chest. 

Update on Me....

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It has been awhile since I have written. Things were going pretty good for a few weeks. I had made a decision that I couldn't live with this depression. I had to get up out of bed, and do things, be a better mom, a better wife, and a better friend.
I had friends over to scrapbook, and for lunch, just to have some fun and socialize. Then out of the blue, last week, one of my online friends passed away. She had just turned 30, and leaves behind three small children. We are a close group of online moms, only a handful of us in the group, we pray for each other, give each other advice and love each other. So, it was a huge blow. Then the next morning, a sister in law of one of the moms in the group was killed in a drunk driving accident, at the hands of her husband who is now in jail. She also leaves behind young kids.
It all brought back bad memories of mom's passing, and of my own mortality. I had nightmares that night, so I tossed and turned and couldn't sleep. I had bad dreams about mom being dead, her funeral was strange, then she got up, and was sick and walking around, then she was dying again, over and over again. So, I slept all of the next day, Christian, my 10 yr old didn't make it to school, because mommy couldn't get out of bed. I have been in kind of a fog since then. And then yesterday, I was in the most severe pain I can remember in a long time. My fibroid tumors have started making my menstrual cycle extremely painful. I felt like my uterus was being ripped out, this went on for a day and a half. Now the worst of it is over. I don't know how many more cycles like this I can handle; the pain had me near tears. If I have another month like this, I am gonna make another appointment with my doctor. She wanted me to wait six moths for an ultrasound, but it has been only about a couple months. Anyhow. I guess that was my quick update. Whoever reads this, please pray for my mental health and physical health.